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Voices in Our Mind: Messengers of Emotional Need

Consider a typical family system. What happens when a child starts crying or needs something and a parent comes to the rescue but does not listen to the child's needs and expects even more despite the child's needs? It is not difficult to foresee that a child whose unmet needs will start to get angry as time goes by and may even rebel against the authority if they wait any longer. If a punitive parent is involved, the injury and damage to the child will increase even more. In this case, the child, whose coping skills are inadequate in the face of injury, may choose not to feel and may exhibit an isolated, detached attitude, as if they have become insensitive. On the other hand, if a caring, supportive caregiver with healthy boundaries comes when the child needs something, the child will quickly switch to satisfied mode.


Our minds work similarly to a family system, where we have different modes or voices within us. These include the hurt child mode, which makes us feel lonely, overwhelmed, incompetent, and helpless; the angry child mode, which can make us impatient; the undisciplined or impulsive child mode, which can make it challenging to resist desires and impulses; and the parent mode, which can be punitive or have high expectations. We don't have much to complain about as long as the healthy adult and satisfied child modes are active. However, when they all start talking at once, it can be challenging to make decisions, and we may experience inconsistencies in our behavior, feeling like we are being pulled in all directions. Therefore, it's crucial to identify which mode provides care when our inner child needs something.


As adults, we embark on a lifelong emotional journey of parenting our inner child.

In our daily lives, we may encounter situations that trigger negative thoughts and emotions from childhood. During those moments, it is essential to recognize our needs, approve them, and fulfill them if possible. We should also set boundaries for actions not aligning with our primary needs. Ignoring or delaying our needs, setting unrealistic expectations, and criticizing or punishing ourselves for not meeting those expectations can only cause further harm. Being in a satisfied child mode doesn't mean feeling happy constantly; it means our emotional and physical needs are being met.


Every moment we feel hurt is an opportunity to take care of ourselves. Being a good parent to our inner child is the best way to find lasting inner peace. Inner peace comes from listening to the voice that meets our needs rather than every voice from within us.


To achieve balance in life, it is crucial to identify and understand our different modes and recognize which ones are more dominant. This knowledge helps us take action to strengthen or weaken specific modes as needed. The following list can be used to familiarize oneself with these modes. May the healthy adult and contented child within you always coexist in harmony.



Mod Category

Moods

Innate Child Moods

Vulnerable Child


Angry Child


Impulsive/Undisciplined Child


Content Child

Maladaptive Coping Modes

Compliant Surrenderer


Detached Protector


Overcompensation

Maladaptive Parent Moods

Punitive Parent


Demanding or Critical Parent

Healthy Moods

 Healthy Adult


Content Child


Vulnerable Child: Feeling alone, isolated, sad, misunderstood, unsupported, flawed, deprived, overwhelmed, incompetent, self-doubting, needy, helpless, hopeless, afraid, anxious, victimized, worthless, unloved, unloved, lost, and directionless; it is the mood that feels fragile, weak, defeated, oppressed, powerless, excluded, and pessimistic.


Angry Child: A vulnerable child feels extraordinarily frustrated and impatient because their basic emotional or physical needs are unmet.


Impulsive/Undisciplined Child: This mood behaves selfishly or uncontrollably to fulfill desires or impulses that are not essential for their survival. They often struggle to delay their short-term gratification and may feel intensely angry, frustrated, or impatient when they cannot fulfill these desires or urges. This behavior may come across as "spoiled."


Punitive Parent: In this mode, the parent believes they or someone else deserves punishment or blame. As a result, they often punish, blame, or behave harmfully toward themselves or others. It is important to note that this mode is more about how rules are enforced than the nature of the laws themselves.


Demanding or Critical Parent: This mood believes that the only way to live is to always strive for perfection or a high level of excellence. They tend to keep things organized, aim for high status, and put others' needs before their own. This person might also prioritize efficiency and avoid wasting time, and they may believe that it's wrong to express emotions or act spontaneously. It's important to note that this mode of thinking refers to the internalized high standards and strict rules that this person has for themselves rather than the specific way in which they follow those rules.


Accommodating Submissive:  This mood of behavior in which a person acts passively and submissively around others due to fear of conflict or rejection. They may tolerate mistreatment or abuse and fail to express their needs and desires to others healthily. Additionally, they may engage in negative behaviors, such as picking on others, perpetuating this pattern of self-defeating beliefs.


Protective Modes: When people cut off their needs and emotions, they withdraw emotionally from people and reject their help. As a result, you may feel withdrawn, distant, distracted, disconnected, impersonal, empty, or bored around them. They may also compulsively or excessively pursue activities that distract, self-soothe, or self-stimulate. Furthermore, they may adopt a cynical, distant, or pessimistic stance to avoid investing in people or activities.


Overcompensator: A set of emotions and behaviors characterized by arrogance, aggression, dominance, competitiveness, grandiosity, condescension, devaluation, control, rebellion, manipulation, exploitation, attention-seeking, and a desire for status. These emotions or behaviors are believed to have developed to compensate for or fulfill unmet basic needs.


Healthy Adult: The mode described here nurtures and validates the hurt child while setting limits on angry and impulsive child behaviors. It promotes and supports a healthy child's mood while struggling with and eventually replacing maladaptive coping mechanisms. Additionally, this mode performs adult functions such as working, parenting, and taking responsibility. It deals with adult activities and intellectual, aesthetic, and cultural interests and builds healthy resources such as health, care, and physical activities. Finally, it neutralizes or alleviates maladaptive parental modes.


Content Child: Feeling loved, satisfied, connected, seen, protected, praised, valued, nurtured, guided, understood, approved, self-confident, competent, autonomous, secure, resilient, in control, harmonious, optimistic, and spontaneous.


Liz Oncel


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Güliz Öncel, M.H.

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